Tuesday, February 14, 2012

on my mind

I've had some things weighing heavy on my heart lately.


A few years ago I had never read a blog.  My friend had one and so I started reading her stuff and then I stumbled upon a whole community of moms out there that I could really relate to.  To be honest, I didn't have a bunch of close friends (just a few) that I could talk with about the environment or wholesome parenting or cooking with organic, local foods.  I felt so isolated.  So, when I found blogging, I was hungry for connection and validation for how I wanted to live and raise my family.





Then about three years ago this February I started my own blog.  I didn't really know what to expect but I was eager for the challenge. I've met so many wonderful people.  I felt connected and the amount of creative inspiration was endless.  I was equally overwhelmed and motivated by all of you.  I ate it all up.



As you may know, the honeymoon phase lasts only so long and I began to feel like blogging was my proverbial ball and chain.  Not that I didn't love to have you all in my life.  I'm an introvert and need my down time really.  In order to really be successful I would have to go 110% at the blog thing or slink away into the shadows?  I realized very quickly that I wasn't going to be a Soulemama.  Or maybe I just don't believe in myself.  I don't know but most of the inspiration I get from the internet are from little bloggers like me, not the bloggers that have a book deal waiting in the wings (No offense meant here. I love Amanda's blog, she's amazing).  But, most blogs I read are the ones written by normal moms that I find something in common with.







I'm also insanely busy.  How can I only put half of my heart into this when I have so many things vying for my time?  (I was just called outside because the boys wanted to show me their volcano they made in the sand.)  Since September when, as a family, we decided to try an on-line school and the work really began.  I just started feeling like I had no room to breathe.  My son has learning disabilities and I've been driving everywhere to get him tested and back and forth to speech therapy.  (Eli just wanted me to get him some new clothes so that he can go back outside to get muddy again. Oh gosh, they just came inside and are in the bath.)  It really never stops.  I have come to really accept that my job as a full time mom is a legitimate endeavor.  I've sometimes fallen into believing that mothers who choose to stay home (me being one, ouch) are not being fulfilled.  Maybe that's because someone very close to me asked why I was wasting my college degree by being a stay home mom.  That was a huge blow but I'm strong and I have strong opinions.  Work is work is work and this staying home business is really important work.  But, I'm straying from the real topic here. Blogging.

There's the part about blogging that makes me feel uneasy like exposing my children to anyone who has a computer.  It's pretty freaky to think about.  It's like inviting total strangers into my home and into my personal thoughts.  I have more than once thought about my creepy neighbors being able to google my name and find my blog.  I wrote about vulnerability a while back and that's what I was really talking about.  I don't like feeling vulnerable like that.  It's when I feel exposed that I want to pull away and quit. 

It's been time to weigh the pros and cons.  Do I continue, sporadically to blog?  Do I just quit altogether?  It happens to the best of us.  I started thinking about how challenging writing is for me.  I'm not a writer although I can write a sentence.  Being able to write a sentence does not make one a writer!  Do I take amazing pictures?  I like them.  Is my life inspiring?  Should I really care whether someone likes what I write or the pictures I take?  I don't think so.  But, it's sure nice to be loved.  I'm feeling very exposed right now.

Just when I think this is the end, I'll find my daughter on her computer looking through old posts of mine.  I think, "I can't stop documenting my mundane, real life here."  Which brings me to the real reason why I should be blogging. It's not only for my kids but it's for me.  I want to challenge myself.  I like being able to write my thoughts down and send them out into the universe.  No matter who may be looking.  This has felt good to get out.  I think what it boils down to is balance.  Like for instance, making sad looking, out of season, conventional chocolate dipped strawberries for valentines day.  Balance.

Love to you all!

15 comments:

  1. I recently came across an old college friend on facebook who had something similar on her profile page - something about life not being about eating bon bons and having conversations with three year olds.

    Anyway. With the blogging. I think sometimes stepping away and thinking about why we do it is key to keeping it going. And within that is finding a way to make it work for you. How much effort to put out and how much you want to keep going. I think that always has to be revisited.

    *hugs*

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    1. Yeah, I definitely have times where I have lots to say and times when I don't have anything to say at all! Thanks Kelly! :)

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  2. I totally know what you mean. I have felt it deeply...actually the most at the point when I wrote this: http://www.earthmama101.com/2010/04/what-blog.html

    I had to go deep and let go of the what ifs. For the most part I really believe that we will attract what we emit...so naturally most people in your space will only be like minded moms who care. Some might say that is such a wishy washy way to think, idealistic, but I believe it. And...just be yourself...nothing more nothing less...and if no one comes by to read then who cares...like you said...the bottom of it is...that you are doing this for you and your family...to look back on. It's fun, and yes...it takes you to the depths of yourself in really wierd ways that I never dreamed of when I first started blogging. And don't hang out with that friend who told you your wasting your college education!!! Good god there is so much more to life...and your childre deserve nothing less than the best! You know that mama!

    Much love to you!
    :)Lisa

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    1. I read your post and it's exactly what I was feeling here in this post. I've never, ever had anyone say something negative in a comment or at least not that I can remember. I should be thankful for that. I know that I'm pretty lucky to have a great bunch of friends out there in blog land! Thank you Lisa!!! xo

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  3. Kyndale, those strawberries might be out-of-season and conventional, but they're not sad-looking. No way. I bet they were a delight to eat, and you and your family are a delight to know.

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    1. I wish I could write as well as you. Maybe you can give me some writing lessons! :)

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  4. This is just such a great post and speaks to what I so often feel. And by the way, I love those out-of-season, conventional chocolate covered strawberries! Yumm!

    -Amanda

    www.beringseaadventures.blogspot.com

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    1. They were so good. We all stuffed ourselves last night on them! :)

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  5. I hear ya', Kyndale. As you know, I made our family blog private a year ago. It freaked me out that someone could walk up to one of my kids at the playground and know their whole life story.
    And I'm on hiatus from the other I created. Not sure where I'll land there. I miss the community and photos and reflection, but thinking about if there's other ways to get that. Things that make you go hmmm!:)

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    1. I've thought about making mine private too. There's been once when I actually did and then changed it back. I've noticed you've been taking a break. Does it feel good? What are you up to? xo

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  6. that was therapeutic for me to read. i go through the same thought chain kind-of often. i love you. i relate to you so much. i wish we were neighbors, and the creeps would evolve on. yay for your hibernation coming to an end, it seems.

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    1. I feel like coming out of hibernation. :)

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  7. Kyndale,
    About every 4 months I have a little freak out about exposing my family to people I will never know. And then I remember how much I like writing about my family, how much I like writing and having an audience, how much I've learned from fellow bloggers-turned-friends, and I relax about it all.
    I think if you blog for yourself and your family, you will never go wrong.
    xo,
    Rachel

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  8. Oh good, I'm not the only one. Now, I just have to figure out my freak out interval. 4 months for you? I feel more relaxed now. Thank you Rachel :) Love to you and yours!

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  9. I can relate. I will leave it at that except to say...you and I have talked about this and while I (of course!) respect whatever you decide, I would miss your presence online if you stopped blogging!

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