Thursday, May 3, 2012

Big, small

I could tell you about all the small, every day things going on in our life right now but somehow that doesn't seem appropriate.  Sometimes, talking about the squash sprouts or my knitting doesn't explain our life right now, or the life changing things that have occurred in the last few weeks.  It's been awful  and brilliant all at the same time because so many good things come out of a challenge.

I don't however wake up on a Monday morning (as in last Monday) and say to myself, "My world will be turned upside down over the next few days, let's get started!"  Actually last Monday, I was just thinking about how I was going to manage with three kids, soccer schedules and basically keeping it together while my husband was out of town for the week.  It's my job to try and keep it all together.  Even though I feel like I fail miserably sometimes, I'm up for the task, in a serious kind of way.

Some things have been brewing actually.  One big thing is Amelia's soccer team that she's been on since kindergarten has been turning into a negative experience rather than positive one.  I guess that's all I'm willing to reveal for the sake of everyone involved but something, everything was going to reach a fever pitch by the middle of the previous week.  Amelia, Jonathan and I made the very hard decision to quit the team in the middle of the season.  Not really an easy thing to decide especially since we didn't want to leave the team hanging, so to speak.  She's known these girls for so long, since kindergarten.  They've hung out almost every week for over 7 years.  Big change.  Amelia was relieved but I was a bit emotional about it.

Another thing that's been brewing is the on-line charter school Solomon has been attending this year.  Now, I wouldn't actually admit this but because we're friends I will tell you that I was really at a loss with Solomon last year.  He's been struggling with a learning disability and I thought I needed some support.  Quite the opposite happened.  Although we got some really good reading help for him, he was prodded and poked for the first few months and that really annoyed me.  But, I had to think about the end result and if we had to endure some pain for two days a week of work with a speech pathologist, I was willing to get through it.  Then CRT week came.  I thought we were prepared, I thought my son's special needs were to be taken in to account through his IEP (goodness, I wouldn't recommend going through that process).  I thought that he was going to have someone read him the test but we walked into a room full, (FULL, twenty kids to be exact) who needed the test read to them.  And there was no way my son would/could sit there for 2.5 hours that day and the next and feel any better about himself.  (I found out later that during the reading comprehension part, the passages wouldn't be read to him but the question could have been)  The "special ed" teacher was a mean, crotchety woman who didn't make me feel at ease whatsoever.  At that moment, a large gong sounded in my brain and I had to do what any mama bear would do.  I politely took my son, walked out of the classroom toward my car and drove him away from that place.  I don't consider myself a rebel.  I can be quite the conformer when it comes to obeying the law.  But I just couldn't put him through that and risk throwing all the work away that we've been doing to restore his self confidence because of mandatory state testing (geez).  We got kicked out of the school the next day.  Consequences folks.

The last big doozy hit on Sunday when Jonathan was home but, I was pretty well spent by that time and didn't take it very well at first.  I'm okay with it now.  You see, something I haven't told you about is that we've been working really hard at getting ourselves debt free.  I once again have to be a bit vague here only out of privacy and that it's embarrassing and humiliating.  But, that all came to a head over the weekend.  But there was a so very much good (I mis-spelled that god at first.  Very appropriate) that's come out of it.  We are closer to our goal and I see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I think I might see some double rainbows there too.  It's been hard this last year while on this journey and if we make it through the next few weeks, I'll be very happy.

Have you ever heard me talk this much?

The pictures that I took here were taken yesterday just before Jonathan and Amelia hopped into the car to head to San Francisco, to spend the night at his mom's house, to be taken to the airport, to board a ship, to cruise down to Central America and then off to the Galapagos Islands.  I am truly humbled that my mother-in-law is giving my daughter this experience.  Thank you Nancy!  Sigh.  My, my, my Amelia is growing up and I can't stop it.  Luckily my husband isn't going.  That would be totally unfair.  He just called and said he safely dropped his mom and Amelia off at the airport.  He said he was a little sad, which means a lot because he's an engineer and they don't generally show their emotions.

Big changes here.  Next time I'll tell you about our sprouting squash plants okay?


  1. Thanks for sharing! Wow. Life can get so overwhelming, can't it? You seem as though you can handle the tough stuff like a pro though. Way, to stick it to them with walking out! It's amazing how at the onset we have no idea how we'll get through, but in hindsight we always do! :)

  2. It feels pretty scary when I'm in the middle but no so bad in hindsight. So true! :)

  3. oh my! you did talk a lot! we too have a debt and money *pickle*, shall we call it, and the past few days i have been almost sick over it. but we are trying to figure it out and hopefully in the next few years we will. any tips?! i wish i had a magic wand...

    i am glad that you are also doing the right things for your kiddos (of course you are!!) even if it is hard on you (always harder on the parents, right?!).

    and i have to say...those photos of your kids...are AWESOME! some of their expressions! they just say so much:) xo, pennie

  4. life is so much more than we let on when online. (hugs) my friend, I hope things settle down.

    1. Thanks Kelly ♥ I hope they settle down real quick so that I can enjoy my summer!

  5. oh my. i'm so sorry you had to go through that with the soccer team and then the weird testing. twilight zone sounding experiences. you are inspiring in how you handled both situations! seriously. i was very protective over max and his imp process. luckily it wasn't like that. but there were a few things that occurred where my mama bear reared up and roared and wouldn't allow a few things to happen as they usually do. yay for mama bears. love love love those photos. they are pure love. so real and full of feeling. how lucky is amelia? sounds like a right of passage kind of experience. how cool to do that with a grandmother. engineers have the biggest hearts sometimes. i love it when they let them be exposed. love u.

    1. ♥ Thank you Heather. You know, now that a few weeks have passed, these things seem a million miles away. The stress lingers for me and is almost worse right afterward because I try and hold it together. My husband has a really big heart but it takes a little coaxing to get him to show his feelings but I know they're there. He's my rock and he helps me stay focused.

      Love you Heather!

  6. I've been meaning to comment on this post for ages now!

    I so appreciated you sharing these pieces of your life Kyndale and when you got to the part where you walked out of their with S. I was like "rock on Mama bear!"

    Kyndale, I always come away from your blog thinking what a fabulous mother you are. Now, I know you're not trying to convince us all that you're super mom or something. But your love and concern and the fact that your children are the first priority in your life comes through so loud and clear with each post. And I love that about you. I esteem you for that. And when you share your real struggles I esteem you that much more.

    I'm so happy to call you my friend and I do wish we lived closer because our kids I think would get along so well, all of them.

    I wanted to tell you also that when and if you do a long hike with your kids and your house will be sitting empty for months, if we are still without our yurt at that time maybe we could housesit? We'd love to spend some time in the desert and could water your garden... Just a crazy idea...

    1. Oh, Renee, I'm not a rock star mom. I feel really connected to my kids as I know you are too. When I first had kids I thought that I would go back to work and that would be that. I think some of us are just meant to be mothers and although I don't think that's all I will ever do professionally, I love my kids fiercely. My mom had a terrible childhood, living in abusive foster care and I lived with divorced parents that were fighting bitterly. I think about that cycle and how I've been able to break that. I'm motivated by that but also, I'm just really sensitive.

      I would love for you to watch our house while we go trekking! That would be so much fun! I know it's just a crazy idea but I think it's important to put it out in the universe.

      Thank you Renee for being my friend. I'll be sure to put these moments out there to show you I'm just a normal mother that has struggles. ♥